Changing Names to Protect the Innocent?


I have never considered myself thin-skinned, but I am sensitive to those words that cause distress to others.  Lately, I have focused on the long-simmering dispute about whether the Redskins (That’s a football team out of our nation’s Capitol, which will probably lack your attention until they start winning more games), and whether they should change their name to something that is more politically correct.


Recently, two Washington politicians filed a bill in Congress to force them to do just that.  One was a Republican from Oklahoma, which means in Choctaw, Red People, and the other is a Democrat from Washington State, so I know they mean business.  They are intent upon changing history, so I set out to find more appropriate names for other professional football teams we have known to know and love, and occasionally cuss at:


Atlanta Falcons.  I happen to like Falcons.  They are birds of prey, and they will perch on your leather-covered arm and eviscerate the prey that you sent them to kill.  I don’t know why you would name a team after a raptor, but it has a certain appeal for people who don’t think about it too hard.


Tampa Bay Buccaneers:  These guys were pirates.  When they weren’t pillaging and raping, they were out slashing and shooting cannons.  I’m hoping that they buried a chest of treasure in my backyard, and that they will move up in the draft.


Carolina Panthers:  I didn’t even know that Carolina had panthers, but I didn’t know that Chicago had bears, or that Detroit had lions.  In fact, I grew up south of Detroit, and I can’t remember seeing one, or anyone accusing a lion of devouring any one of my neighbors.


I can’t figure out names like the New York Giants.  Short people could really have a claim there.  Or Pittsburgh Penguins.  Has anyone seen a penguin in Pennsylvania?  I truly believe that the Utah Jazz should move back to New Orleans, but I think that the Raiders ought to be free to raid any California city that will pay them the Big Bucks and build them a stadium.  After all, they are the Raiders.


This Redskin thing could open up a can of Colts, or Broncos, or maybe even Vikings.




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