Translating the Convention Speeches

I am not a big fan of speeches in general.  They are long, boring, and a horrible way to communicate.  Despite my distaste for them, I sat through the most important speeches of the Republican and Democratic Conventions as a public service to you, my readers.  Before I lose sight of why I did this, and begin questioning whether I have become a political masochist, I’ll try to explain why:  I am an expert at translating political-speak into the English language, so that normal people can understand it.  Basically, I take an hour-long speech and reduce it to the speaker’s core message.


Before you get bored with the explanation, I will launch into the translation:


Ann Romney:  “I love my husband, I love my kids, and my husband will make a great president.”


Mitt Romney:  “I love America, I love my Wife, I love my kids, and I will make a great president.  All of the bad things that are happening are Barack’s fault, and I am the only guy who can fix them.”


Paul Ryan:  “It’s all about the economy, and it’s all Barack’s fault.  Did I mention the economy?”


Clint Eastwood:  “I am the only remaining conservative actor left alive, and I talk to empty chairs all the time, even when I’m not in front of millions of people. It’s all Barack’s fault, and he can kiss my wrinkled ***.”


Michele Obama:  “I love my husband, I love my kids, and my husband will make a great president.”


Bill Clinton:  “I was a great president, better than Barack, and it’s all Bush II’s fault.  Barack needs another four years before you can say he’s a miserable failure.  Forget all of those bad things I said about him when Hillary was running against him.”


Joe Biden:  “I love my wife.  I really love my wife.  Bin Laden is dead and GM is alive.  By the way, I love my wife and Barack Obama.


Barack Obama:  “I love my wife.  I love my kids.  I need four more years so I can show you how much I love America.  All of the bad things that have happened in the past four years are the fault of my predecessor.  I approve of this message.”


Now that I have removed all of the content that everyone has already forgotten from every speech that anyone can remember, you can be confident of your choice for president, unless you remain undecided.  If you can hang in there until the debates, maybe that will convince you.  If not, you can flip a coin or stay home.


These speakers pontificated for an average of an hour.  Now that I have removed the superfluous content from each speech, ask yourself a simple question: with that much time, did you learn anything new of value from or about either candidate?  Were you suddenly left with an epiphany of who was a better choice?  For most of you, the answer is a resounding “no”.  With a captive audience of millions of voters yearning for a reason to feel inspired and assured, didn’t we deserve more?


We already know the candidate formula:  devoted wife + loving family +  support of famous people = guy who wants to be President.  Now that we have the charade of the conventions behind us, hopefully the debates will force some substance from the candidates.




What do you really want to hear from each candidate?




God bless the United States of America (If it hasn’t been removed from your party’s platform).